The Value of Romance (Part I)
“Men have to be Stable, when your relationships are Erratic so are you.”
If you’re reading this on Monday, then I’m sure you’re aware that it’s Valentine’s Day. A day designed to celebrate love of your significant other and people you care about. As a man, I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day. It typically circles the drain around being a popularity contest and a cash grab. With the advent of social media as a medium that is here to stay it’s gotten even worse. Now everyone can post what they received, and many are doing things for the shock value to get admiration and interaction from others rather than as a way to show there significant other that they love and care about them. Some people have even raised their expectations of their significant others based on how something their friends did or didn’t receive. Commercialism has allowed some to get depressed around Valentine’s Day because they don’t have a significant other. Holidays are a time that can trigger depression systems in some because it is a reminder of what we are missing, or desire related to social interaction. This leads me to what I wanted to talk about: The importance of a significant other.
As men, many of us are raised and influenced to express our masculinity through sexuality. The cool guys in school are always popular with the ladies. The ladies’ man is always one of the cool guys in school. A man’s ability to attract women is one of the ways his value is measured in society. Is he handsome? What’s his wallet looking like? Does he appear to be confident? Does he appear to be able to handle himself in a physical altercation? All of these things factor into a man’s attractiveness level. At the same time society shows young men in so many ways that the guys that have a bunch of transient relationships have more value than the guy who has one. Music, Television, and movies have already reinforced that the guy that is a player is the one that gets the praise. Many men grow up in situations that are a demonstration of hypersexuality. Children with multiple siblings that don’t share the same mother, weak or absentee parents create situations where children are inadvertently being exposed to sex at an age way too young, uncles’ older brothers or cousins giving boys advice that is beyond their mind to process, etc. Social Media hasn’t helped. The people with the largest followings outside celebrities and athletes are usually sex workers. We see our favorite male entertainers often surrounded by hella women in a hedonistic pleasure palace. Males in our society are inundated with sexual imagery at a very high level. Pornography is more accessible than it’s ever been and there are men suffering from issues related to abnormal porn use frequency. It can be very hard for a man that is not an independent thinker or who wasn’t raised in the right environment to look at romantic relationships as something transient and primarily used as a way to have sex on a consistent basis.
I’m a firm believer that a guy that has women running in and out of his house like water is displaying in action a deeper issue. Primarily because having an excessive number of sexual partners is often a time-consuming task. You have to meet a woman, have conversations, get to know her, get familiar enough with her, etc. Doing that with 5-7 women over the course of time can be a time suck. Let’s say you are the meet-at-the-bar/one-night-stand/one-time-for-the-one time type of guy, that’s actually even worse. You’re increasing the likelihood of getting robbed, getting something you can’t shake off, having a baby, or just general fukery* happening around you. In my case being sexually promiscuous is a trauma response. In most instances that I wasn’t in a committed relationship, and I was processing something traumatic that happened, my body count skyrockets. It’s not healthy and it’s a shxtty* coping mechanism that therapy has helped me to resolve. In my observation (with is admittedly anecdotal) and conversations with other men, sex plays too much of a role in some of our lives. That may sound crazy but there are guys out there who want money, fame, power, and the toys that come with it primarily to be able to hump on the women that follow men with high dollar lifestyles. That is where I get lost. If my life was a banana split romance with women might be the chocolate sauce, sprinkles and the cherry. My personal wellness and happiness are the bananas, and the ice cream are my personal goals, dreams and motivation. Bananas and Ice Cream are standalone foods that are meant to be enjoyed by themselves. Sprinkles, Chocolate Sauce, and Maraschino cherries are accouterments. They aren’t enjoyed by themselves and while they can really set off a desert, they shouldn’t be a key component of who you are.
I want to be clear, women are not bad. This isn’t some He-Man Women Haters post. Women are amazing magical beings. They can help you reach the highest highs or pull you to the lowest lows if you let them. When I look at my mentors almost all of them are currently or were in long-term marriages (10+ years). If you look at most men in high positions of power they are in (on the surface) long-term relationship constructs (most marriages). This is not an accident. That guy that is still a playboy into his late 30s+ is someone that many other guys don’t take very seriously unless he’s got a really strong financial base. Even for him though there are going to be rooms that he is locked out of because he doesn’t have a life partner. I’ve seen it firsthand, the business class wants to work with other men that exude stability. Part of what shows your stability is a life partner. Guys aren’t going to keep inviting other guys to the real networking events (Barbeques/cookouts, friend vacays, children’s activities, etc.) when they are never bringing a significant other, or its always a different lady.
So what am I trying to say? Being a playboy is fun, switching women-like sneakers may feel good at the moment, but after a certain age, it starts to be a bad look and can hamper your long-term growth professionally and personally. I’m definitely not saying to settle but to be looking toward someone you can grow with rather than just someone you can spend the night with.
Imma have a part 2 coming soon