so anxious...

Hey y’all, welcome back to the blog!

Today seemed like a great time to check in and talk about mental health, especially now during this political climate.

I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed today, and I think that the feelings had just come to a head and had been building since maybe last Friday or so. I am a Big Thinker, which leads me to stack many tasks on my plate and consequently I become overwhelmed. sigh. I feel like I teeter between doing the most and doing absolutely nothing, and mentally, I want to be able to find balance. Its seems like I’ve been missing that mark, but I think I have the blueprint to the solution. I say the blueprint because a plan is just a plan until its executed.

The opposite of anxiety is action.

The opposite of overwhelm is organization.

so, what’s been going on? I’ve been making plans and canceling them to work on the house, and then I just end up wasting my time scrolling on social media or binge watching tv. I’ve made schedules that I’ve already broken because I choose not to exercise discipline. I’ve begun to explore my third career and I’m overwhelmed before I even begin because of all of the other duties in my life. ugh. its like a never-ending cycle. so how do I break the cycle? How do I finally stand firm on learning from my past experiences and doing right by me this time?

you have to start now. it’s really as simple as that.

You don’t have to wait for a new week or a new month or a new year. you can change your trajectory in the moment.

What has been affecting me lately? Of course the most recent police murders weigh on me. I can’t watch the videos, I honestly would rather not. The little bit of peace I have is like an ember - I have to protect it and constantly stoke it for it to continue to grow and warm me. My kids are my pride and joy, but its more than a notion with taking care of two babies under two years old. They gang up on me! I am outnumbered during the week and its tough trying to stick to a schedule, even if I am only giving myself 2-3 tasks to complete daily. As I sit here and write this, both of my children are yelling at me and wanting to be held. They will be okay. Baby girl can get in her swing and baby boy will be chill with a snack and Peppa Pig.

What else? Its month number 2 and we’re still in boxes. the neat freak in me is having a conniption while the anxiety and overwhelm freeze me solid. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, but I tell you I cannot WAIT until we’re out of boxes and all set up in the house. And what about this third career? I’m looking into graduate studies that would culminate in my becoming an ordained clergymember. I attended a virtual open house today, and not gonna lie, I know this program will be intense. The curriculum is demanding, yet the school boasts of a supportive and embracing academic community, and I can’t help but to be drawn in because I’ve know that this calling was on my life since I was 16. Sitting in on the open house and participating in sample classes was the reality check that I needed so that I can mentally prepare for what is upcoming. In all honesty, my life will not be slowing down ANY time soon, so I can’t wait for tasks to fall off my plate. If this career is what I want, then I have to make room and practice some real discipline.

I’m thankful for my tribe of friends and family who help me to vent and articulate my mental health issues. It is because of them that I’m able to post about this so quickly and with such resolve.

So, to combat my anxiety: ACTION. I just have to get up and do what I know I need to do so that the inaction isn’t wracking my brain and making me feel guilty. Just get up and do, and soon enough that To-Do List will have a little less to do on it. study, write letters to my congressmembers, clean the kitchen, make meals. Just get up and do it.

And this overwhelm that I’ve been feeling: ORGANIZATION. I have to plan and execute. Make schedules, follow up on emails, place those phone calls, and keeping account of what I’m doing. Action and organization go hand in hand, it just takes practice.

How is your mental health today? Make sure you check on your friends’ mental health and have friends that ask you about your mental state. We’re all we got out here.
Find me everywhere @jazzmynblu

favorite songs on 100% Ginuwine: What’s So Different, Wait a Minute, and Same Ol’ G