Red Line
“The Word ‘No’ is a Complete Sentence.”
Hope everyone’s week is going well. My week has been pretty interesting and definitely one that had some great takeaways. As I went through some of my mental preparation for each day I wrapped my head around one of my weaknesses that I had to shore up over time with others.
Boundaries.
Boundaries are important and they are necessary. Beyond the social, they are part of commerce, part of nature, and part of each individual. Your skin is a boundary that indicates where you stop and the rest of the world begins. Country borders are physical indicators of where a goverment’s sovereignty ends and another government’s sovereignty begins. The walls of your home indicate where your domicile starts and stops. The entire legal system in America is defined by boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behavior. It is difficult to build a progressive society that grows over time without boundaries. The social topic of boundaries has been a popular topic in social media over the past couple of years. I believe this is tied to the rise and increased awareness of mental health and I figured it’d be worth adding my two cents to the discussion. I believe there are two extremes that people form their boundaries around.
Too Tight and Too Strong
Too Loose and Too Weak
Like most things, most people are somewhere in the middle of the two. I made the distinction because I believe most lean more in one direction than the other. It is glorified in some parts of millennial culture not to trust anyone and only work with those you came with. I believe it’s a short-sighted mind sent shared by those that don’t understand how most people become successful. The extreme end of ‘Too Tight and Too Loose’ is associated with this mindset. Speaking from my own life, many people like this have been betrayed by others or seen others close to them betrayed by others often. It’s a natural and in many ways prudent reaction to traumatic experiences around deception. Over time brick by brick, a person’s walls get higher as trust is eroded. This person almost never lets anyone in and the people that are on the inside are held very close. The other extreme is someone who extends their circle of trust to a much larger group of people. That person is the type that has many friends and people they consider trustworthy, it is also not very difficult to become ingratiated with this type of person. They make friends quickly and often become attached to people fairly easily. They are people that can be disappointed often but aren’t usually as averse to disappointment as the ‘Too Tight and Too Strong’ person. In my opinion, most people fall more into one category than the other. This matters because like most things, playing to the extreme it’s unhealthy long-term. People who hold on too tight or barely at all have a tendency to lose whatever they are attempting to hold on to. I say that to say that the only good unilateral mindset is one that you can’t take a one size fits all approach. Depending on the situation, the purpose, and the person it may be better to have all of your walls up. In other situations that can make for a more difficult way for making progress.
No one likes a Yes Man except the person they say Yes to.
Human nature is inherently selfish. Because of this most people, regardless of how vigilant they are about who is in their circle, they very likely have people around them that take more than they give. They may be well meaning people who do create some value you in their life. They may not even realize they ask as much of you as they do. They may only be asking because youre the person with that expertise and they don’t have another person to turn to. They may be asking because you’re the most consistent and reliable person in their lives. They could also be asking because you’re always the one say Yes.
I brought up the two extremes of Too Tight/Too Strong and Too Loose/Too Weak because many people have an approach to who they let into their lives but how many of us have a prioritization structure around what the people in our lives are able to successfully request from us? This is what often gets many overwhelmed. The reason we say yes can often be varied. It could be because we genuinely care about the people, it could be because we believe we are going to miss out on a specific business opportunity, it could because you want to make someone happy. There is nothing wrong with saying yes. Yes is part of how you build a society. Agreeing to work together and support each other requires saying yes. Saying yes too much or when it doesn’t serve you can lead to frustration. Often times we are doing things to help and we aren’t seeing anything back for it over time. Saying “No” is the easiest way to alleviate some of those issues. When most people put into something with very little to show it can cause acrimony to build up over time with the other people. Many people are conflict adverse and it can be hard to have those discussions with others. It is especially difficult to push back on friends and family members. These are people you feel obligated to and care for and most of the time they are “good” people that also care for you.
At the end of the day the most important person in your life has to be you. Sometimes that means having difficult conversations with other people, sometimes that means having a difficult conversation with yourself. Sometimes that means having to say ‘no’. Sometimes it means having to have a conversation around level setting. It can mean that someone you value in your life may leave. At the same time nothing should be disturbing your peace including yourself. If someone is creating a situation where you are being stressed with very little get back, then maybe they need to get back.